Hard

You know what's hard? Being very introverted and being surrounded by little people who want to talk and shriek and chatter and cry at you all day long. It. Is. Hard. Capital "H". I often think of a line I heard or read somewhere that goes something like; "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called." Boy do I hope that is true. Some days I feel like all I have is the bare minimum. The minimum amount of patience, the minimum amount of kindness, the minimum amount of mental organization. Sometimes not even the minimum because I lose my patience, my temper, and my self control. And you know what? It's not enough. It just isn't enough for me not to yell at people when the noise and the mess get to be too much for me. It's not enough to just do a load of dishes and a load of laundry and put a meal on the table for hungry bellies and call it good. I also have to be present. To love and be kind and to express sweetness. With words.With actions It. Is. So. Hard. I can't do it by myself. I know this because whenever I try, I fail. I fail over and over again.

But.

I pray.

And if I don't stop praying and I don't stop trying, sometimes I don't fail. Sometimes I get it right. Maybe not right now, but maybe in the next moment, the next encounter, the next chance to kiss instead of scold. To praise instead of admonish. To love instead of rail against the chaos all around me.

When that happens, I can feel God's hand in my life. Working with me, guiding me, making me into something new. Healing my brokenness and helping me to really love the people around me. The way they were meant to be loved. It feels good. And life, then, doesn't seem so hard.

Snow Days

Lots of them! My daughter takes 3 classes a week: ballet, science, and music/art through a really neat homeschool program run by our public school district. However, they have had closings the last three days which means no classes. As a very introverted person who loves to cozy up with a hot cup of tea and watch the snow fly, this is wonderful news to me. And, really, probably just as well for my kids too, who can't quite seem to kick this latest round of winter ick we got after Christmas. Lingering coughs and stuffy noses don't exactly necessitate staying home when otherwise they seem normal but it makes me feel better when I can insist on naps and rest times. Not to mention hot tea and homemade broth.

My husband thinks I am crazy but I actually really do like the snow and being snowed in (as long as the fridge isn't empty thank you very much) up to a point. Invariably toward the end of February/beginning of March I am chomping at the bit for spring to come. So today I am just enjoying the intermittent sun and flurries, the warm woodstove, and looking through my seed catalog. In between, of course, cooking and laundry and schooling and disciplining (one of my most hated parts of this gig, truly!) and changing diapers and doing the dishes. It's messy but it's home. :)

-Amanda

New Year, New... Word?

Happy New Year!
I don't know if this blog will become a thing for me again or not but I sort of feel compelled to write here lately, which is weird in and of itself. We shall see. Also, man do I need a new header.

So why do I feel compelled you might wonder? I picked a word. Or, rather, a word has been picked for me.

PRAYER.

Let me just start right in by saying that the whole "pick a word for the coming year" trend feels pretty silly to me. Not because I think people who do it are foolish but because I think it would be foolish for ME. I honestly really admire and sometimes, a little bit, envy people who have it together enough to do it. It seems so... I don't know... beyond me or something. In my head I think, "Man all of these bloggers really have their thoughts in order and they must have such a rich interior/spiritual life. I wish I could be like that."

That is not the case here folks, let me tell you! My mind is so scattered... and my memory? I cannot remember ANYTHING anymore. Since having children I routinely forget what I am doing in the midst of doing whatever it is I am forgetting. Routinely. I forget things written on the shopping list I am holding in my hand and staring at while walking around the grocery store. I forget about dinner, the baby stuck in his exer-saucer, the dog out in the yard, the laundry (sometimes for days), and on and on. For me to pick a word to somehow focus on and then try and remember for a whole year seems a bit ridiculous and far-fetched.

So when I started reading everyone's resolutions and words and saints and aaaallllll the other things people are blogging about at the beginning of this coldest of months, I simply dismissed the idea after about 5 seconds deliberation so that I could move on with my life and put away the clothes and make the dinners and vacuum the pine needles off the floor. Ahhh, that feels better. Just gave myself permission to not worry/obsess about something else while I am trying to master the basics of home management.
Then it hits me. Just today as I was vacuuming said floor, this word just pops into my head out of nowhere. I mean, I was NOT thinking deep thoughts here people. I was vacuuming around the baby and moving furniture and was probably getting irritated with my two older children for getting in the way while I was trying to vacuum. So I paused and considered this word from out of the blue.

Prayer.

It is something I try to do every day and at least a morning offering no matter what. I have had that habit for a long time (the morning offering) so maybe, just maybe, I might not forget this. It actually seems easy to remember. I mean, my last attempt to do this word thing resulted in a word like "Temperence" or "Moderation" or something like that (translation "Impossible" or "Laughable"). Anyway it is now 4:07 and the baby is crying and the toddler is done napping so PRAYER it is and hopefully, whatever I am supposed to do with this, I can do it.

-Amanda

P.S. All you people with saints and resolutions and beasts are at catholic-home-life level 11 as far as I am concerned and thank you for your inspiration. :)