Hard

You know what's hard? Being very introverted and being surrounded by little people who want to talk and shriek and chatter and cry at you all day long. It. Is. Hard. Capital "H". I often think of a line I heard or read somewhere that goes something like; "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called." Boy do I hope that is true. Some days I feel like all I have is the bare minimum. The minimum amount of patience, the minimum amount of kindness, the minimum amount of mental organization. Sometimes not even the minimum because I lose my patience, my temper, and my self control. And you know what? It's not enough. It just isn't enough for me not to yell at people when the noise and the mess get to be too much for me. It's not enough to just do a load of dishes and a load of laundry and put a meal on the table for hungry bellies and call it good. I also have to be present. To love and be kind and to express sweetness. With words.With actions It. Is. So. Hard. I can't do it by myself. I know this because whenever I try, I fail. I fail over and over again.

But.

I pray.

And if I don't stop praying and I don't stop trying, sometimes I don't fail. Sometimes I get it right. Maybe not right now, but maybe in the next moment, the next encounter, the next chance to kiss instead of scold. To praise instead of admonish. To love instead of rail against the chaos all around me.

When that happens, I can feel God's hand in my life. Working with me, guiding me, making me into something new. Healing my brokenness and helping me to really love the people around me. The way they were meant to be loved. It feels good. And life, then, doesn't seem so hard.